susys running away to sea

"The rigors (sic) of an expeditionary lifestyle"

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Schlepping News

The Schlepping News is brought to you tonight by A.R.C.I.E (the Association of Randy Crewmembers In Extremis) Inc.

Correction, that should read Random Crewmembers, of course.

The following Notices to Mariners carry a severe humor hazard. Some heavy weather may be expected in order to preserve Seamen. Seamen canNOT, repeat NOT, be preserved by the old method of sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend, or any other remedy for deep throat problems. There are other preventative measures to ensure better penetrative action. Please accept this warning with the smallest prick of excitement.

And now, Entertainment News, from our On Watch correspondent, the Radar Junkie.

Tonite’s program will commence with a singular disco “The Skipper Sleeps Tonite”, with your fave DJ, RJ!

Yes, folks – be your own iPod! Singalonga medley of your own favorites – TOTP featured here are hymns ancient and modern, the joy of pop tunes, songs from the shows, folk songs and sea shanties. Surely, something for everyone! Bop to the fog in the cockpit! In the likely event of rain, this event will be transferred to the foot of your stairs, where you can also expect to be entertained by ‘Bloc’ and his ‘Sanit-Aires’. Lighting effects are by the Circles of Green Delite. And the bar will be providing enough tea to float your boat! See y’all there, dude, as we pitch and rock and roll through the night!

Some ideas for party games, now the joint’s jivin’! And talking of which, why not spin things along with our novelty roll-ups – finely shredded horse blanket, subtly marin-aded in the sweetest bilge oil, and all in a wrap of our dankest bogroll? Mm-mmm! Hi-igh there!

Back to our games slot – and number one is: How long can YOU stand in the middle of our swinging saloon – look, Mommy, no hands! Current record and broken collar bone is a whopping ten seconds! And DIY bonesetting service is included FOC.

Holy Moly, that joint REALLY works, guys – could have sworn I saw J, Master, fare thee well, very well, wander past in his knickers! A truly gladsome sight!

Deck games now – and it’s hard to beat the all time goodie – wey, hey, and up she rises – to the top of the masthead, followed by the headlong, headfirst hurtle. Who’s gonna hit the deck first? And the winner, by a head, of course, has to be the one without the bosun’s chair! We have a choice of two masts – high and higher still. Why not try both, and get two prize nuts?

And for the ultimate thrill – regardless of safety - take your life in your own hands and try our near-death experience! Timed races round the deck!! Hah! Nothing to it, I hear your derisive chortles. But this one, folks, is outside all! And no cheating - no deck lights, no wimpy lifelines. Yeah!!

A bonus for some - last but not least on this good ole Yankee clipper, no sir, is the Queasy Susy experience – or she who barfs first, barfs longest. Excellent!

The Radar Junkie is proud to present as our finale for tonite – “Trip the Skip”! A new concept in no holds barred boss-baiting. Rules are simple – all skippers get what they deserve! All further suggestions are warmly welcomed, but here are just two for starters.

1. Choose a rough, wet night for this rib-tickler, better known as ‘Skipper’s Wedgie’. Shorten the shoulder straps on the skipper’s salopettes and/or his life jacket crotch straps, as available. No need to know which side he dresses – this will be rapidly irreverent, er, irrelevant. To use to best effect, choose any urgent situation and frighten him out of that warm cosy bunk, quick as you like. Watch him dress! Hear him swear! Learn new words – this could be educational!

2. and our last offering, is a Radar Junkie special. Do this only in deep fog surrounded by lots of bits of hard land for best results. Take one piece of cling film, or similar, cut to size of radar screen. Apply to screen while unobserved. Take one fluorescent highlighter pen, any make, to match screen color – pretty green, here, folks. Plus black pen for erasures. Add your own geography to the cling film.

Why not directly on the screen, you cry?

Silly you – this thing’s got value as salvage.

How long will it take for Skip to notice something’s up? How long will the Mayday take to be answered? How long before the salvage tug arrives? How much will they charge? Have you stowed the radar securely in your waterproof bag by then?

Hey, now it’s a quiz, too! This sure is great value!!

Signing off now, on watch, in charge, still floatin’! See you, guys!

The Radar Junkie

* * * * *

It’s been a slow night.

So far …


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