Can I tell the difference between peanut butter and teeth?

Of course, 'NO' is the answer. I was casually eating a PNB (crunchy) sandwich the other day. You know how it clings round your teeth, and the little bits of peanut get stuck in between? So, I'm fishing around with my tongue, and find a huge piece of peanut by one tooth round the back. Except it's not a peanut, it's very rough bit of tooth! Quick run to a mirror, yank back mouth to ear - and there it is! Or rather, there it isn't... such a pretty bit of horrible filling is all that's to show for a tooth I've nurtured all my adult life. So till I see a dentist, I have to be a nodding geisha, giggling behind my hands.

Later, much later - I think my dentist is still on the all expenses paid trip I gave him last year - I get through on the phone. Today is Friday.

The major chipped tooth can't be seen till Wednesday - would you believe! And even then it's called a 'check up' ie a method of fiscal, rather than dental, extraction - so: go into dental surgery, sit down, get tipped back till head lower than body, just about summon up enough breath to gasp 'sitmeupIcantbreathe', on point of suffocation, head raised fractionally above body, breathing returns in a laboured way till end of session. Dentist says: open wide, and is obeyed, then he dislocates jaw, not believing mouth is wide open. Oh yes it was. Dentist then says: you have teeth, that'll be extortionate amounts of money. Please. Oh, and that tooth? Come back in about a year when I may have an appointment free and for gazillions of pounds I'll tell you nothing can be done...., but for twice the gazillions, I might be able to do something in a fetching non matching shade of white, which will be so delicate you'll never be able to chew again. And dentist will smile charmingly, showing such a perfect set of eye dazzling gnashers, it makes me feel like sewing my mouth shut for ever.

See, my dad was a dentist. I know of which I speak.