Good afternoon, Sir
May I introduce myself? I am James, Madam's personal body servant, and also in charge of Madam's social diary. I must beg you to excuse the fact that we have yet to be formally acquainted.
Madam is currently reposing upon her favoured swingseat in the arbour, following a light repast of a packet of fags and a bottle of sweet sherry, and is not to be disturbed until her head has ceased its unconscionable and unexpected throbbing. We - Rosy Fingered Dawn and I - have endeavoured to remit her undoubted sufferings with the copious applications of wet towels to her fair forehead, but alack, with little success. I believe Madam may have informed you about her recent suffering - a COLD, I believe was her description. May I take this opportunity of warning you, dear Sir, Madam is occasionally prone to mendacity, particularly when she is, as the vernacular has it, 'in her cups'. Mind you, RFD has the gentle touch of a sumo wrestler, so I fear Madam is unlikely to emerge before tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed. We do have too much of a good thing at times, in Madam's exuberant company ... Just between you and me, Sir, and I write this in total confidence, I did slip a little sedative into her sherry bottle...
May I also take this opportunity of adding here a current description of Madam?
"She is an ageing upper middle, under the impression that she is irresistible to gentlemen. She is sure the girlish abbreviation of her name, black kohl-rimmed crepey eyes, red lipstick bleeding into the smoking induced lines around her mouth, fag sticking to her bottom lip, and her patchily dyed hair with the grey parting make her among the great beauties of the century."
I am sure you will be delighted to meet her in the (overflowing) flesh - it is a pleasure to serve Madam in all her fancies..
Before she tumbled into the River Lethe, she urged me to communicate to you she will be 'absolutely thrilled, darling' - I quote - to meet you at 1.00 pm on Thursday 21 June, outside your club, of noted notori- er - fame. Probably sporting a pair of fishnet stockings, improbably high heels and a denim mini skirt, she will be immediately recognisable. May I suggest at this juncture you might like to furnish yourself with a large blanket to protect Madam's exposed limbs and capacious bosom - and your embarrassment - against the falling damps? You will find that any proposed shopping trip will be easily averted - Madam is known in these parts as 'Woman at Tesco' and will be unable to comport herself with propriety in any other emporium.
Following her customary gargantuan luncheon, a soupcon of afternoon tea will be extremely acceptable to Madam - she claims to have the appetite of a mere bird. I tend to refer to that bird more as vulture, than 'piaf'.
Please do not hesitate to contact me, Sir, should you require further information regarding Madam's management. I assure you, despite all her vagaries, she is - pardon the colloquialism - an utter sweetie!
I remain, Sir, Madam's MOST obedient servant, James